Letters Never Sent

Dear Horoscope,

2006-08-27T22:50:00.000-04:00

I never really placed much stock in my you. I knew my astrological sign, would dutifully rattle it off when asked either as a cheesy pick-up line or in general conversation. Occasionally I would check in and read you. On a various website or a random magazine I was reading.

You are a good diversion and are, periodically, correct in your predictions and information. Sometimes the scenarios you describe, the situations you claim I am in are actually on target or fairly close. The careers you have suggested I pursue are ones I feel strong in. Ones I know I would be good at. Yes, I must give credit where credit is due and tell you that you have made some accurate statements.

However, I hold you solely responsible for the heightening of my hopes. I read, initially as a tongue-in-cheek form of entertainment, my astrological sign matched with a current person of interest. A particular person I, actually, can not be with, at least not at present.

I meant it to be silly, to kill time. It, instead, has consumed my every thought. I have even been known to reread it, either hoping it will suddenly have a negative connotation rather than the ridiculously positive, nearly cheerful encouragement to "explore this sure thing". I am trying to not feel for this person. I am trying not to love him. Damn you for giving me hope.

Without Appreciation,
Bethann

Dear Steven,

2006-08-20T22:44:00.000-04:00

I think I have a crush on you.

This started out innocently enough, sending you a congenial email wishing you lots of luck with your current endeavor. A few exchanged emails later... you caught me on Yahoo Instant Messenger.

You are charming. You said some incredibly sweet, complimentary things to me. You have a way of making me feel special. Attractive. Intelligent. A multitude of other things. We have a lot in common, you and I. Silly things, important things, random things. Yes, we have also have quite a few things that are dissimilar, one that may be very important to you. One I didn't even dare to bring up in the five hour conversation we had: religion. I am amenable. I am willing to discuss this further with you, if we continue to have this amazing connection.

Yes, Steven, I like you. I feel like a teenager with this silly crush, but I find myself being wrapped up in it. Thinking about you at inappropriate times. Talking about you to my friends. Please tell me you feel the same way about me.

Oh, and please call me.

Seriously In Like,
Bethann

Dear Jon,

2006-08-13T02:31:00.000-04:00

As I've been rather serious and solemn of late, I feel led to be a little tongue-in-cheek. And, being the master of humor that you are, I am using you as my unwitting partner in crime.

I stay up later than I normally would just for you. Your sometimes dry humor, your rapier wit, it has made me fall in love with you, Jon Stewart, darling. Even reruns have me in tears, barely able to breath because of my laughter. When I saw your Crossfire interview, and the ever so charming way you slammed Tucker Carlson made my heart skip a beat.

You have a deeper insight into the actual political climate and bring the absurdity of the actions of those in charge to light moreso than the so-called commentary programs on CNN and Fox News. And the emotional vulnerability and passion you showed after 9/11 was moving, touching and made me adore you further.

Thank you for giving me a reason to laugh at 11:00 at night.

An Adoring Fan,
Bethann

Dear Emileigh,

2006-08-06T23:18:00.000-04:00

Some people are fortunate enough to be born with these amazing sisters. Someone that is not only a family member, but a confidant, a comforter, a loyalist and a true friend.

I wasn't one of those people. My sister had already moved out of the house by the time I was born, heck, before I was even conceived! Even when we were together, though those times were few and far between, it was a strained relationship. She was, she is, so much older than I, we were never able to relate on a level sisters should. We had no fond memories of late night chats, giggling over boys or screaming at horror films.

Instead of this sister, was gifted with you in my early twenties. Yes, we were too old for any of those scenes to be played out, but we have had our share of childish moments.

And we have bonded in a way that transcends a lack of familial and blood ties. You've given me a sense of completion, of finding this other half of myself I always knew existed, but could never find.

I can't possibly articulate the whole of what you mean to me or what you've done for me, but know I love you and appreciate you, even if I don't always say it.

Your Sister,
B

Dear Paul,

2006-07-30T01:24:00.000-04:00

This is something I've wanted to write to you for a long time. If I am honest, I've wanted to tell you this in person. I've wanted for several years now to be able to sit down, look in those gorgeous blue eyes and just be completely honest with you.

We have an amazing relationship, you and me. It may be 3:00am, I'm sleeping soundly, involved in a fantastic dream which includes me, Dave Navarro and whipped cream, but answering the phone call from you isn't even a question. And, really, who else would sit on the phone with me for two solid hours during the Miss Universe pageant cattily cutting down each woman, then turn to me and say, "You blow them all away, baby." The following day, I went into work and promptly announced to all the other women that every girl needs a gay guy friend. Just like you.

What I have wanted to tell you for so long, Paul, is that you are not just my friend. You are a unique hybrid. A cross between a best friend, a sibling and a mate. You've always been honest with me. Even when you know it will hurt me, you tell me the truth, and make sure the pieces are all put back together again. You shower me with compliments daily. At the very least, every day I get an email or text message from you telling me I am a smart, talented, beautiful woman. With a great body.

You were my refuge and support when I broke up with Will. You brought me back down to earth when I almost lost my heart to Jake. You held me for six solid hours while I cried after losing my grandmother. You keep me from doing stupid things when I've had too much to drink.

I love you, sweetie. You are the best thing that has happened to me in quite some time. I can never thank you enough for all you've done. I hope you will find a partner as fantastic as you are and that I can be half the friend to you that you have been to me.

Love Always,
Bethann

Dear Dad,

2006-07-23T23:20:00.000-04:00

There is so much I want to say to you. Things I feel you need to hear, things I feel I need to tell you. As per your modus operandi, you bailed before I was old enough to articulate these feelings correctly. And death certainly is a permanent way out. Well done on that front.

So much to say, but for right now, I'll leave you with something that reminded me of you. There isn't a lot I inherited from you, other than a huge portion of my physical appearance, intelligence, and imperfect emotional well-being, but one thing was a passion for music. And the keen interest in the very best music.

This one's for you.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

The Daughter Formerly Known As,
Your Buddy

Dear Bob & Patricia,

2006-07-16T17:57:00.000-04:00

I love you both dearly, but I'm afraid I must tell you that you're very unfair. Today was just another shining example of this.

The first time he brought me to your house is a memory I will always cherish. It was Labor Day weekend, 2002. September 1st to be exact. Do you know I can still remember the exact date? I had been dating your son for a mere two weeks when he invited me to meet his parents. I had the date marked on my calendar for only a few days, but I stared at it every day. I was dreading it. Our relationship was so new, meeting his parents, his sisters and his brother, meeting this big, huge, wonderful family scared me. And I can not even begin to tell you how many hours I agonized over what I should wear.

It must have been hysterical to see me climb out of his monstrous truck. It was the third time I had been in that ridiculously big F-250 and was still learning how to navigate my way in and out of that vehicle without looking like a total stooge. Within five minutes you all had me so relaxed I couldn't even remember the butterflies that had filled my stomach mere moments before. I had barely walked through the gate into the back yard when Patricia gave me this sweet hug. Later, I described it to Will as a sincere hug as opposed to the quick, disingenuous one I had anticipated. As the time went on and I not only got to know your family, but was felt to be a part of it, I learned that while there were many words applicable to this great clan, disingenuous was not one of them.

And Bob. You didn't know about my dad at the time. You didn't know about our strained imperfect relationship. You didn't know he had died a few years prior. You didn't know I had this intense jealousy of your children for having this fantastic father. But, in a way, you must have sensed it. You took such good care of me and treated me as if I were your kid. We spent hours that first day discussing the draft picks, the Panthers season line-up, the World Series, and debated the merits of salt vs fresh water fishing. Deep conversations that continued through the course of my entire relationship with Will.

However, Will and I broke up over six months ago. It was tough for me to leave you behind as I parted ways with him, but it was something quite necessary. With that said, I am so sorry for what your family is going through and yes, I'm sorry for what he's going through, but it really isn't any of my concern anymore. Please don't invite me to dinner to ask me to assist you with him. I've spent the time since our split trying to become the person I was before him, trying to regain that level of confidence and independence I knew before things went so wrong. To put myself into a position where I allow Will and his drama to affect me would require me taking about ten big steps backwards. I'm not prepared to do that.

I do still truly love you both, I love your entire family. And I hope everything works out, but I can't be a part of this solution for you.

Love Always,
B

Dear Heart,

2006-07-09T18:01:00.000-04:00

In one of my healthcare management classes about a year or so ago, we had a guest lecturer. She was a former director of nursing and a current hospital administrator. I gleaned many nuggets of wisdom from her oration, but as with most anything, one key point stuck in my mind regarding dealing with employee issues.

"With enough effort," she informed us, "you can find a positive characteristic in everyone. Whatever the good quality is, capitalize on this when confronting them with a problem."

To take her advice, let me begin with what I appreciate about you, Heart. You give me the compassion that has helped so many people. In it's extension I have a vast amount of patience and caring for those around me. This makes me the daughter, the sister, the aunt, the friend and the nurse I am today.

I am so thankful for the ability to handle irritable people with a level of composure my co-workers envy. And to be able to hold one of the children I take care of when they are crying or screaming and not feel the frustration most people experience when hearing an upset child.
Most of all, I cherish my deep capacity for love.

However, all these points, especially the last one, has gotten me into trouble. I have been hurt and sometimes quite badly.

I can tell that I am standing on that precipice again. As is the tendency in love, I can't tell exactly what is over this edge, but I'm confident it's not going to be good this time. I need to tread carefully, preferably in the opposite direction.

So, Heart, stand firm. Be strong. Don't let me do this. Again.

Thanks A Bunch,
B

Dear Jeff,

2006-07-02T07:24:00.000-04:00

Shocking isn't it? Fifteen years later, and we reconnect like this? I was floored to see your brother, but I have to be honest, the first thought that came to my mind was you. You're not a memory I have to conjure up, you're there, as clear as if I saw you yesterday. I can even see that ugly pick-up truck you so adored. My heart flutters just thinking about it as it did so long ago when I would see it crest the hill by the JR. I was so infatuated with you then.

Did you know? I think you did, but you were incredibly diplomatic about it. Every overweight, awkward preteen girl should be as lucky as I was to have you as their crush. You never belittled me for it, you were kind and considerate. You never brought it out in the public, just smiled sweetly at me, giving my pathetic heart the hope that you could ever think someone like me was pretty, was possibly worth a relationship. Lending yourself to my dream of you in your shining armor sitting high atop a white steed.

If nothing else ever comes of this, I want to just say thank you. Looking back now I realize you must have been mortified that I was so head-over-heels in love with you. You handled it with a grace that allowed my fragile little heart a few more years of solace before being ruthlessly broken by another.

Thank you, Jeff, for being so gentle, so kind and so considerate of my feelings. For that, and that alone, you will always be my knight.

Love (for over a decade).
B